I woke up yesterday morning deeply missing my brother, Ryan. It has been several years since he has passed, but sometimes the thought of him gone is incomprehensible. I pushed my sadness aside and went along with my morning duties; by cleaning rooms, making lunches and toting my son off to school. When I returned, the house was so...quiet and empty. I then sat down and started to cry.

When I was blogging for Runitikeamom, I was going through a hard time coping with Ryan being sick. I wanted to get my feelings out, but I was too scared to expose my open wounds. I remember the first time I was writing a blog post about my brother's situation and got all the way to the point of publishing...and I couldn't press that send button. I quickly deleted the post and sent something else, instead. It wasn't until a whole year later that I mustered up the courage to write about Ryan and it was like a heavy weight had lifted off my chest. All that bottled up emotion was finally released into the cosmos.

Thinking back on this, as I sat there, I knew I had to do something. I thought about how much I wanted to see my brother, so I then began to draw him. With one of my favorite pictures of my brother by my side, I drew Ryan's face. As soon as I got to his eyes, though, I started to cry again. For a split moment I felt like he was really in front of me -- saying hello. My baby brother was saying hello to me. I then stopped, only to collect myself, and then started to draw some more.

When I was finished I felt better, even if it was only a temporary fix. The overall process of coping after losing a loved one is a long and arduous journey. I go through my ups and downs, but what I have learned so far is that Ryan finds ways of helping me heal. I felt like he had visited with me, through my drawing of him, and for that I am so thankful.

Happy birthday Ryan. Until we meet up again, I miss you, terribly.